My Advice About Pain

In my short 26 years of life I have dealt with a lot of pain: physical and emotional. From growing up with abusive narcissistic family members to having a ruptured achilles tendon impact me for 3 years. Here’s what I have learnt. 

Your strength lies in your pain

True strength lies in how you deal with the pain in your life. When we face our pain directly and challenge it, stand up to it, only then do we begin the process of overcoming it. By mulling over our pain and avoiding it, we only give it strength and lose our own. 

I first ruptured my achilles tendon in April 2019 – my first week living in China. Not ideal, right? Initially I didn’t know the severity of it and was told that I had to complete my work training and come into the office, despite not being able to walk. Fast forward to today and I still haven’t performed surgery on it due to being unable to get the necessary time off work, here in China. As well as not wanting to return back to the UK in the past 3 years for fear of not being allowed back into China. Thankfully an opportunity has arisen for me to go back this summer and treat my achilles tendon, which I’m really looking forward to. 

Carrying a burden

These have undoubtedly been the best 3 years of my life, here in China. I have a huge passion for life so being able to live somewhere completely different to where I’m from has been an incredible experience. However it’s also been difficult largely in part to my achilles problem. There have been many moments where I have struggled walking comfortably, and mentally felt like there is no hope. Especially as I have been to see numerous doctors in different hospitals to find out about treatment, but to no avail. This achilles issue has been difficult here in China and I have felt terrible and upset a few times.

However I decided a long time ago, that it wasn’t going to stop me living the life I wanted. I could either give up or continue to live life to the fullest. I’m proud to say that I chose the latter option and continue to do so to this day. What’s my point? If you keep knocking, eventually the door will open! Don’t give up, you will make it!

It’s inevitable 

Unfortunately pain is inevitable, there’s no getting away from it. Life will happen and we will get hurt. This is when acceptance that pain will occur no matter what, becomes a powerful tool for you to use at your disposal. If you are aware of the fact that pain will occur at unpredictable points, then you’re halfway there! For in this case, it won’t catch you off guard and instead of mulling over what has happened, you’ll be fixated on the solutions. 

I have – from a very young age – dealt with people who have the narcissistic personality disorder. As narcissists do, they have tried to belittle me (and others) – emotionally and physically – whilst trying to show the world that they have it all together due to their inflated ego and self-esteem. However for those that know about this disorder, you will know that it is all a bravado and that they are actually very empty inside. Unfortunately by trying to belittle/intimidate/manipulate others they seem to think that it will make them feel better. Unfortunately for them, nothing seems to fill that void of emptiness they have inside of them, and thus the cycle repeats itself and they continue to hurt others in the hope that it will make them feel better.

Boundaries

I’ve learnt that dealing with these types of people only brings pain. There’s no joy for you to have when around people who want the worst for you. People who are desperate for attention and will try to diminish you at all costs. Through research and experience I have learnt that boundaries are the key to dealing with these people. Don’t give them access anymore. Whether that’s removing them completely from your lives. Or if that’s not possible then massively reducing the access they have to you. Once I became aware that these people would not change and to be around them would only result in pain, I began to focus on the solutions. In my example creating boundaries. 

Just as there is life and death, there is also love and pain. All play a huge part in our lives and our development. Firstly accept that you will experience it all. Secondly be prepared to create the solutions necessary to live your life in the most authentic way to you.

Thank you for reading!

With love,

Tony.